HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
   

   
   

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. Like:
   "I got a good woman -- with the meanest dog in town."
   

   
   

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Like:
   

   
   Got a good woman
   with the meanest dog in town.
   He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
   and he weighs `bout 500 pounds.
   
   

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
   

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
   Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
   

   
   

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
   

   
   

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
   

   
   

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
   a. Violet
   b. Beige
   c. Mauve
   

   
   

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall.
   

   
   

10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. The highway
    b. The jailhouse
    c. The empty bed
    

    
    Bad places:
    a. Ashrams
    b. Gallery openings
    c. Weekend in the Hamptons
    
    

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
    

    
    

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
    a. Your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
    b. You're blind
    c. You shot a man in Memphis.
    d. You can't be satisfied.
    

    
    No, if:
    a. You were once blind but now can see.
    b. You're deaf
    c. You have a trust fund.
    
    

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.
    

    
    

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
    

    
    Other blues beverages are:
    a. Wine
    b. Irish whiskey
    c. Muddy water
    
    Blues beverages are NOT:
    a. Any mixed drink
    b. Any wine kosher for Passover
    c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
    
    
    

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
    

    
    It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.